The Day I Stopped Thinking Vulnerability Was a Weakness

During my second year of grad school my classmates and I were each assigned Chekhov short stories to memorize and perform. Though I was well-versed in plays like, Three Sisters, Uncle Vanya, and the Cherry Orchard I didn't realize the writer and medical doctor had also compiled such a prolific list of short stories. In fact the piece I was assigned, In the Graveyard became, and remains, my favorite short story of all time. 

http://www.online-literature.com/anton_chekhov/1120/

For weeks before our performances I felt incredibly self-conscious about my progress as an actor. It seemed everyone in class was having these remarkable breakthroughs. Their diction had improved, they were more honest on stage, and the work more polished. What did everyone do over the summer? I thought. Just a few weeks before I'd prided myself on being the hardest working actor in school.

When it was finally my time to perform I did something I never do and haven't done this. I "phoned it in." I knew I had a few skills at my disposal and could make it look as though I was invested in the story. I even duped a few but not my mentor. After class she stopped me on the corner of 116th and Broadway and told me, "You were way out of line. I want to see you this evening." My heart sank. I'd not only let myself down but someone I really admired.

That evening in the basement of Schapiro Hall we worked on the piece for over an hour. She tried desperately to get me to understand the people in the story were living breathing human beings who faced insecurities, mortality, fear, and discomfort just like me. She stayed on me like a hawk until out of nowhere I broke down. "Do you want to continue?!" she asked. "Yes," I said. I finished the story when she pulled me aside. "That's what I was looking for. Now, do you see just how great you can be?"

I nodded my head and understood the work suffered because of my fear to be vulnerable. At 26 I thought it was a weakness. That evening I realized it was a strength -- that there's profound courage in being open.

Unfortunately, people, particularly men, are conditioned to believe it's a liability. But I've discovered not only does being vulnerable forge trust but it also gives other people solace, while empowering them to talk be more open about their own fears. When everything is laid out on the table a community of authenticity takes shape and remarkable things can begin to happen. 

Don't Do Too Much

There's a famous story about the day Jack Lemmon received a master class in acting for the camera by director Billy Wilder. The two were on the set for the classic film, Some Like it Hot starring Marilyn Monroe. At this point, Jack Lemmon had done a considerable amount of theater and television but was still relatively new to the world of feature films.

As the story goes Lemmon was in the middle of a scene when Wilder stopped him. "Less Jack. Less," he said. Lemmon supposedly took the note and resumed the scene. A few minutes go by and Lemmon feels like he's really cooking when once again he's stopped by the Academy Award winning director. "Less Jack. Less." Lemmon scratched his head, took the note again, and continued to plow along. The scene goes on for a while before Wilder stops him for a third time, "Less Jack. Less." At this point Lemmon's had it and screams, "Billy, if I do any less I'll be doing nothing." Wilder supposedly smiled before saying, "Exactly."

Too often we feel we're not enough when the truth is we're infinitely interesting. The key whether on stage or off is to trust we have a voice and something of value to offer without overcompensating for what we mistake to be deficiencies. 

The Habits and Mindset of Prolific Writers

Isaac Assimov wrote or edited over 500 books and roughly 90,000 letters in his 72 years. Romance novelist Barbara Cartland wrote more than 700 books, while Stephen King has written 60-full length works of fiction and nearly 200 short stories. 

Today there is a big debate between the importance of talent versus grit. "Some people just have it while others don't," is the refrain I hear most frequently. But if there's anything I've learned from some of the most prolific writers of our time it's first and foremost about simply sitting down and doing the work. That level of discipline has become extraordinarily rare in this age of constant distraction and short attention spans. Here are some of the habits I've noticed in some of the creators I admire most:

1. They don't wait for inspiration. What the Isaac Assimov's and Hemingway's of the world understood is you can't simply wait for some divine revelation to hit you. You have to write whether you feel like it or not and, here's the key, stay consistent. This means falling madly in love with failure, being able to stomach your work being bad, and setting a time each day where you plant yourself sans distraction and write. As David Mamet once said, "I'm not any less confused about it than you are. I just got in the habit of doing it." 

2. They don't allow themselves to be thwarted by the criticism of others. Playwright Edward Albee once said, "I didn't stop writing just because you didn't like it." If you're writing as consistently as people like Stephen King or Woody Allen chances are the work is not always going to be great. In fact, much of it will be underwhelming. The key is to not let that stop you from trying. One of the greatest impediments to becoming a master craftsman is the inability to tolerate something not being great. The key is to appreciate the road to mastery is a long and fleeting journey but you can only get there if you keep going.

3. They set up small "wins." Author, photographer, and weightlifter James Clear talks a great deal about small wins. His weekly newsletter devoted to uncovering habits and routines that make people extraordinary goes out every week come rain, sleet, or snow. He understands that there will be some days where you just don't feel like doing something but that it's still key to put in the work. You may write 5 sentences one day, or 2 the next. But rather than criticizing yourself for not being Shakespeare you can honor the effort. And if you feel like you're in a perpetual state of frustration it's very likely your expectations are too high and you're being unfair to yourself. This mindset has the tendency to stymie any effort and leave us sitting idle rather than focusing on being proactive regardless of how significant the output. 

Choose Impact Over Self-Importance

In high school my standardized test scores were so low I had to take the SAT's twice. 

I once asked if I was sent by "the enemy" after I failed for the 5th time to grasp the system in place at a homeless shelter I was volunteering at.

My first screenplays were so bad my friends didn't even know where to begin with their feedback.

As a kid, I was a great third baseman but couldn't hit the ball if my life depended on it.

-- And in college I once received a paper from a professor, who was once the ambassador to the Ivory Coast, that said, "Nick, I don't much understand what you're trying to say and I suppose you don't either."

The point is that some of my shortcomings were failures to push myself, while others were simply abilities I lacked. As a young man any talk of deficiencies would have compelled me to get defensive. I'd take criticism personally and fail to recognize the ways I could leverage my strengths, while being a shrewd judge of my shortcomings.

As I get older I realize how liberating it is to recognize you're not going to be good at everything. We're all given certain superpowers, or the ability to do certain things better than others. It's important we take stock of those gifts and find ways to use them for positive impact.

Unfortunately, a lot of people never grow up to realize all the teachable moments failure and deficiency can offer. A fixed mindset offers a stale outlook and a refusal to be open to ways to get better at life. One of the most counterproductive ways this philosophy can manifest itself is through defending bad ideas. Because we're insecure about our intellect, resume, or get caught up in comparing ourselves to others we allow our ego rather than humility to be our north star. When this happens the "meritocracy of ideas," as Ray Dalio calls it, gets buried in the rubble caused by insecurity.

What's much more interesting and courageous is recognizing when we aren't the best at something, or don't have the most influential idea, and instead identifying when someone else does. Rather than claiming ownership for something we didn't come up with we can do something much more engaging, uplifting, and noble: we can become the proprietor's biggest fan, supporting his or her idea as if our life depended on it. 

In the process, we lift each other up instead of leave one another behind. As a result, attainment of our goals becomes much more about creating impact rather than self-importance. And when we get behind someone something remarkable begins to happen: we gain the trust of others through our humility and conscious commitment to put the priorities of the group ahead of our own.

Striving Towards Our Goals Should be Inclusive

Rather of looking at people as problems we can look at them as opportunities to build community. The most fulfilling part of working towards any meaningful endeavor are the transformational relationships we forge. When we lift each other up rather than leave them behind, attainment of our goals becomes about creating impact instead of self-importance -- about becoming more instead of just gaining more. 

"These kids really struggle with that...."

Yesterday afternoon I paid a visit to my old high school. An old mentor invited me to speak to her students on what I call, The 4 Truths of Creating Your Own Opportunities. It was an opportunity to give my upcoming TEDx Talk in Cleveland a test run.

When I entered the drama room I saw that virtually nothing had changed. The same cramped office sat in the corner, beat-up sofas lined the stage, and even the lighting was the same. It brought back some fond memories of playing drama games like, Black Widow and Zip-Zap-Zop.

Thankfully the speech seemed to resonate with the students. They asked questions afterwards and we had a great discussion on the importance of creating your own opportunities, building the right philosophy, avoiding toxic people and environments, and working hard without losing perspective. But one subject matter in particular proved to be a sensitive one. When sharing some of my successes as an actor and writer I mentioned the key was learning to fall in love with failure.

"These kids really struggle with that one," my teacher told me. "Everything needs to be perfect with these guys." I saw a few kids smile, while others offered a subtle nod of recognition. 

"It's like anything else," I said. "You have to practice it a lot before you get good at it. And once you learn not to take failure personally you'll learn to just keep moving." I also told the story of how when I was a young actor I wanted all my scenes to go perfectly when a very influential teacher took note saying, "The pursuit of perfection is merely the pursuit of vanity."

She was trying to teach me you don't learn anything when you win all the time.

What to Do When Struggling with Your "Why"

The other night I was talking to a good friend of mine back in New York. "Have you ever felt your motivation start to fade?" he asked. "Sure," I told him. "It happens."

What I've discovered is your "why" for doing what you do will be tested, especially the longer you do something. It can happen for any number of reasons. For my friend, it was clear he'd evolved a great deal as a person and the things he valued in life had changed. He was still working hard towards a dream that didn't completely line-up with his new self. 

Sometimes we also need to take the focus off our hustle and look outside ourselves. I found that being of service to others whether as a teacher, or volunteer re-awakened the things I love to do most in life. As much as I enjoyed teaching I realized there were other ways I could best be of service. And I only came to that realization by tinkering with different platforms and trying new things. New experiences may bring to light another path worth taking or restore the one you're already on.  

You're Not Going to Be Good at Everything and That's Okay -- The Value of Emotional Intelligence

I once asked by an exasperated supervisor if I was “sent by the enemy,” when I failed to grasp the system in place at the homeless shelter he ran. Being moved by rousing political speeches and fascinated by foreign policy didn’t mean I was cut out for politics. And you can bet the cost of a ballpark beer I’ll never hit a baseball out Yankee Stadium. Today I’m okay with those realities, while just a few years ago any talk of limitations would have simply compelled me to work harder. 

Now, I choose to focus on my strengths, while learning the skills needed to grow both personally and professionally. As a result, my efforts have become more deliberate and focused. I've learned to leverage my strengths while becoming a shrewd judge of my shortcomings. Both have proved indispensable as I try to grow my speaking and writing practice. 

Curate Your Social Circle

I once had a friend who could convince me the world was going to pieces just by the way he said hello. Each time I tried to get him to look at life in a more positive light he'd say, "I'm just being realistic." What bummed me out most about his take on the world was I saw extraordinary potential in him to do great things.

The truth is, some of the people closest to us will only see the downside of up or have an axe to grind. And it's just not realistic to cut them out of our lives completely. But what we can do is level up the number of positive, ambitious, and inspiring people we spend most of our time with. 

In Brendon Burchard's new book, High Performance Habits he discusses the benefits of surrounding yourself with a community of like-minded people who support your vision, have your back, and will encourage you to hold yourself accountable to making something happen. It turns out there's actual data that supports the notion our lives will eventually reflect the people we spend the most time with.

The people around you affect how much you sleep, the food that you eat, and how much money you spend or save. This dynamic, which has been dubbed "social contagion," has been show to have both detriments and benefits.

On the negative front, researchers have found that bad behaviors and outcomes such as smoking, obesity, loneliness, depression, divorce, and drug use tend to grow in social clusters. If your friends smoke, you probably will, too. The more of your friends who are overweight or divorced, the higher the odds you'll get there, too.

Likewise, positive things such as happiness and prosocial behavior also seem to spread within social groups. For example, if you have a friend who is happy in life, your chances of feeling happy go up by 25 percent. 

It's important we choose our brain trust wisely and actively look for people who make us better. The key is to believe you can get better with the right effort and community behind you. 

Love Losing

Without a doubt, the greatest gift being an actor has given me is having zero fear of losing. And as hokey as it sounds, learning to sidestep failure and continue to push towards your aspirations is essential.

What I discovered in an industry where you’re told “No,” virtually 99 % of the time, is that failure isn’t a testament to your character, self-worth, or an accurate indicator of your talent. It’s just feedback – a way to assess where you’re at and where you need to be.

But the most important takeaway was that failure wasn’t my problem, my reaction to it was. Being told, “No, Maybe next time,” or “We’re going to pass,” used to put me in a tailspin. But the older I got the more I learned to take it in stride and incorporate those setbacks as integral parts of the longer journey.

My First Screenplays Were So Bad...

Some of my early screenplays were so bad my friends didn’t even know where to start with their feedback. My first try at getting a literary agent was met by well over 100 rejections. And my first few films were passed on by so many festivals I lost count.

But by not taking those failures personally and instead interpreting those setbacks as deferred successes, I continued to write blogs, articles, screenplays, one-man shows, and even a book. And as I developed my voice my confidence grew – convincing me I had something valuable to offer.

The best part was how taking initiative emboldened those around me to do the same. Friends saw that if I could do it they could too. Soon I was being asked to read their plays, edit their articles, and collaborate on their new films.

In the process we built a community where we felt invested in one another’s success. We had each other’s backs, supported one another’s vision, and held ourselves accountable to making something happen.

How to Flow Instead of Muscle to Your Goals

Just how do you “flow” rather that “muscle” to your goals? Think of a stream racing through a valley -- it never flattens the boulder in its way. Instead, it moves above, around, or below its obstacle while still reaching its destination. There is still great momentum and effort being expended but in a way that incorporates resistance as an integral part of the journey.

And flowing should be inclusive. Instead of looking at people as problems we can look at them as opportunities to build community. The most fulfilling part of working towards any meaningful project is through the transformational relationships we forge. When we lift each other up rather than leave them behind, attainment of our goals becomes about creating impact instead of self-importance. It becomes less about gaining more but about becoming more.