Love Losing

Without a doubt, the greatest gift being an actor has given me is having zero fear of losing. And as hokey as it sounds, learning to sidestep failure and continue to push towards your aspirations is essential.

What I discovered in an industry where you’re told “No,” virtually 99 % of the time, is that failure isn’t a testament to your character, self-worth, or an accurate indicator of your talent. It’s just feedback – a way to assess where you’re at and where you need to be.

But the most important takeaway was that failure wasn’t my problem, my reaction to it was. Being told, “No, Maybe next time,” or “We’re going to pass,” used to put me in a tailspin. But the older I got the more I learned to take it in stride and incorporate those setbacks as integral parts of the longer journey.

You Can Want Something Without Needing It

Think of the first time you tried asking out that guy or girl you really liked. You may have found yourself stumbling over words, trying too hard to be funny, and more or less making an ass of yourself. Hey, it happens. 

Courting a partner can be a lot like auditioning. A sense of "neediness" can be sensed from a mile away. 

During my time as a casting reader I could tell, which actors led meaningful lives "off-stage." It was clear they wanted the part but would be just fine if it went to someone else. They were so fulfilled personally that their happiness or sense of self-worth didn't hinge on being cast in a show. In other words, their acceptance of themselves wasn't contingent about validation from others. Now that's attractive.

I learned the importance of not driving yourself crazy after an audition, rehashing in your head what you could of, should of, or might have done differently. Instead, the seasoned pros taught me to leave it at the door and go about your day. 

You can want something without needing it.

"The Greatest Tragedy of All is Not the Reality of Failure but the Loss of Hope."

Over the years I've seen way too many talented actor and artist friends equate their self-worth with a resume, or IMDB page. And it absolutely breaks my heart. 

Most of us would agree that if you go into the arts in the first place there is a burning desire to express one self that is often accompanied by an equally powerful need for validation. The trouble is, validation from others is not sustainable. It has to come from within. 

We need to change the metrics of how we gauge self-worth and success. We don't have to overlook the impact we can have at home, in our schools, churches, or communities. That counts too. 

In time, a beautiful thing begins to happen. We start to reframe the way we see everything, including failure. We no longer fear it but accept it as an integral part of a longer and broader journey. We learn to take it in stride and in the process recognize the importance of protecting our spirits. We remain hopeful. 

And that is the starting point for great art. 

Comparison is a No-Win Game

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Comparison is the thief of all joy." Mind you, this was before people started posting their vacations, outings, and meals on Facebook and Instagram.

We live in a time where access into each other's lives is unprecedented. Countless platforms allow us to Like, or Follow if we feel so inclined. But it's also generated a sense of frenzy that we're missing out, or that someone else's life is more fulfilling.

As I get older, one thing I've become much more cognizant of is marketing. How a certain type of lifestyle is being sold to us. "Buy this and you'll live a certain way."

What I think we have to be conscious of is the posts you see on a daily basis are literally a snapshot of an someone's life. Like you, their lives are filled with ups, downs, and in-betweens. 

Investing our emotions into someone else's experience can cause us to take inventory of our own lives, which is not a bad thing necessarily, but can be detrimental if fueled by envy.

When we cease comparing ourselves to others we allow our sense of self-worth to be generated on our own terms. As a result, we refuse to let someone else's validation of us to equate to self-acceptance.

By living life on our own accord we build that trust within ourself. And with trust comes confidence that our lives our meant to be lived out uniquely without worrying so much about what others are doing.