The Key to a Compelling Life -- Saying, "I can't believe I did that."

Have you ever looked back on something you did and really surprised yourself? Maybe you told a classmate you had feelings for her. Maybe you're deathly afraid of heights but didn't want to disappoint someone you cared about and somehow mustered up the courage to take a ride in a hot air balloon.

Have you ever gotten past a challenging experience and wondered years later how on earth you got through it all? Were you surprised you it in you to weather those personal storms, or muscle through something you didn't particularly want to do but knew you just had to?

The older I get the more I appreciate how a compelling life is built upon these experiences -- that the key to living a bold and full life is having a disproportionate number of "I can't believe I had that in me," experiences to safe ones.

In no way am I advocating living recklessly. I am saying that living big means stepping out of your comfort zone again and again.

When I look back on my own experiences I sometimes can't believe I had the courage to think of them, let alone go through with them. Whether it was jumping out of plane to go skydiving for my friend's 30th birthday, or getting into a cage with great white sharks in South Africa, those experiences not only shaped me in meaningful ways but cultivated a unique skill set: the ability to more often say, "I'll try that."

And it isn't just the experiences that required a little boldness that I reflect on with a bit of nostalgia, but also the ones that I was quite sure I wouldn't get through at the time; a rough breakup with a partner, teacher training, getting over the loss of a loved one, and so on. Those times fundamentally shaped my life's trajectory and now there's no turning back. I couldn't play it safe if I wanted to and for that I'm enormously grateful.

Be brave,but not reckless. Live boldly and in time you too will discover there's no other way to live out your days.

You Get What You Tolerate

The opportunities you get in your life will organize around the standards you set for yourself. This took me a little time to figure out.

One area in my life where I needed a little fine tuning was as an actor. When I graduated from drama school I was chomping at the bit to take Broadway by storm. I was so earnest in my desire to grace the stages of the Barrymore and Schubert theaters I overlooked what I was willing to tolerate in order to get there.

In time, my relationship to the industry evolved. I started to place greater emphasis on living a well-rounded life than finding the perfect agent. To me this also meant traveling, volunteering, reading widely, taking bold risks, and honoring my core values.

By the time I arrived in Los Angeles I was quite comfortable in my own skin. I took things less personally and realized there was more to life than getting the perfect headshot. Though it was still my goal to be a professional storyteller, I realized you can want something without needing it. This all led to a healthy outlook on the types of roles I was willing to audition for and what I wasn't willing to compromise on en route to a dream I'd had since I was 11 years old. So when my new agent in Tinsel Town asked me in a rather lengthy questionnaire what I was not willing to do for a role, here's what I said:

I won’t compromise my personal ethics, morals, or core principles. I also will not perpetuate what I perceive to be ethnic stereotypes, or undermine my ethnic heritage.  (i.e. the butt of a one-liner Asian joke in a sitcom, etc.) Also happy to elaborate if there any questions.  Fortunately, it’s never really been an issue.  I really appreciate you asking!

Figure out what you stand for and protect it all costs. You get what you tolerate. 

What Los Angeles Traffic Taught Me

Anyone who's lived in Los Angeles knows there's traffic. A LOT of traffic. I realized pretty quickly there was a unique opportunity to take advantage of those moments of idleness and turn them into a mobile classroom. Here are a few quick insights that may nudge you to turn daily gridlock into the "University of Traffic."

-- One way to set yourself apart from the herd is to optimize moments most people use for entertainment with education.

-- Divide your audiobook selection into different categories that interest you -- (e.g. Fiction, History, Personal Development, Finance)

--  The average US commuter spends roughly 42 hours in traffic per year. That’s nearly identical to a semester of college. You have a remarkable opportunity to turn your commute, workout, or daily chores into the equivalent of a college degree.

-- After listening to an audiobook make note of at least three things you’ve learned and can implement, track, and measure. Keep an audiobook notebook in your car so you can jot a few notes after your commute.

Lesson Learned from Visiting the Dentist

I remember my dad telling me a story one evening about a recent visit to the dentist. “I was in the waiting room for 15 minutes when his secretary popped her head out in the waiting room and said, ‘Would you mind waiting another 10 minutes or so?’ Absolutely not!  I said.  My time is just as valuable as his.”  Seconds later, his dentist came sprinting out of his office as if he’d been chased by a pack of crazed wolves. “John,” he said.  “So sorry to keep you waiting.  Follow me.”  

My dad was teaching me how to protect my time. His little hiccup at the dentist's office also taught me you can only protect your time if you value it.

A Smarter Kind of Self-Talk

A friend recently sent me an interesting study called, To Sell is Human. The piece delves into the science, ethics, and psychology of selling our services and how it's evolved over time. 

file:///Users/nickmaccarone/Downloads/To%20Sell%20is%20Human.pdf

One point in particular really resonated with me. It had to do with the different types of self-talk we can implement into our daily lives. As a young drama student, I’d arrive at the theater each morning at 5:30 am. For 10 blocks I’d pound my chest with clenched fists roaring, “Come on! You either want it or you don’t!” It was a way of amping myself up before class started.

But the study reveals there may be a more constructive way to talk to ourselves. It's called, "Interrogative Self-Talk." In fact, those who used this technique out performed those who relied on the "juice me up" style of self-talk by more than 50%. The reasons may surprise you.

First, when we ask ourselves a question we are forced to provide the answer. And often times within those answers are actionable steps we can take to carry out the task at hand. What a novel idea, right? Asking yourself a question where you then must come up with an answer has a greater influence on you than simply convincing yourself how great you are. 

I'm a great proponent of affirmations but the study also reveals one of the problems with them is you don't come up with strategies to get you closer to where you want to be. So if affirmations are your thing, no need to get rid of them. Just make sure you sprinkle in some interrogative self-talk as well.

Finally, interrogative self-talk also encourages you to consider the intrinsically motivated reasons you have for striving towards your goals. We're more compelled to take action when our "why" is driven from within, or "when the motivations come from intrinsic choices rather than extrinsic pressure."

That Dog Can't Even Swim

There’s a funny story about two hunters who had very different philosophies on life. One was upbeat, always making the effort to see the good in others, while the other was cynical, finding fault with everything.

One afternoon they went hunting together, taking a small boat out onto the lake. The upbeat gentlemen decided to bring his new bird dog. As they made their way to the middle of the lake the positive hunter took aim and shot a bird. He turned to the cynical man and told him, “Watch this,” as the bird dog jumped out of the boat and ran on top of the water before scooping up the bird and racing back to the boat. He set the bird before the two men without so much as a drop of water on him. “What do you think?” the positive hunter asked. The cynical hunter just shook his head before finally saying, “Just like I thought, that dog can’t even swim.”

How many of us have friends or family members that are cynical hunters? People who always have an axe to grind and decided long ago it’s easier to find fault then possibility.

The truth is cynicism is easy. Anybody can find reasons to complain. But choosing to focus on what could be takes courage and character. And it doesn’t mean being unrealistic, or diluted. You can be optimistic while still being grounded. 

Your life is flying by. Don’t waste another second with people who refuse to get out of their own way and want to take you down with them. In time, your life will begin to mirror the people you spend the most time with. If they don’t lift you up it may be time to say goodbye. 

Stephen King on Writing

I was pretty skeptical about picking up a book about writing. This is not to say I was above doing so but that I was unclear on how one could be taught how to be a writer. That all changed when I bought Anna Lamott's, Bird by Bird last fall.

Her well-written and honest take on how writing is both painful and capable of offering unparalleled fulfillment inspired me to pick up another. This time, I bought Stephen King's, On Writing. 

I can't claim to be the biggest Stephen King fan. In fact, I don't think I've read any of his books until this one. But this one is no less than a Master Class. It's a simple collection of personal stories sprinkled in with some helpful do's and don'ts. King mostly nudges but isn't shy about some habits he considers nothing less than blasphemous. ("The road to hell is paved with adverbs.")

Here are some of the lessons I've taken away so far. I hope you find them as helpful as I do:

-- Omit all needless words

-- The editor is always right

-- NEVER staple a manuscript

-- Stopping a piece of work just because it's hard either emotionally or imaginatively is a bad idea.

-- Write for whatever reason you want. To save the world. To be heard. But don't EVER come to writing easily. Writing isn't curing cancer but it's also not putting on lipstick. Never be casual when you pick up a pen to say something.

-- Fear is usually at the root of bad writing. 

-- Good writing is usually about letting go of fear and affectation.

Constructive Confrontation

In Andrew S. Grove's book, Only the Paranoid Survive he reveals how he navigated Intel, the semiconductor manufacturing company through a massive change in the industry. One of the many ideas in his book that struck me was the concept of "constructive confrontation." He says the following:

We became good at solving problems. We became highly focused on tangible results (our word for it is "output"). And from all the early bickering, we developed a style of ferociously arguing with one another while remaining friends.

Many people thrive on confrontation but I would venture to say most avoid it like the plague. We're wired for survival which is dependent on our ability to thrive in a community. And when we rock the boat it's less likely that we'll be asked to stick around.

But over the years I've seen my relationships deepen and evolve because we did risk speaking or minds instead of simply going along to get along. In fact, I've grown to respect people I already admired a great deal for doing so even though I may not have agreed with a single word they said. I respected their need to be heard but more importantly understood.

I'm learning more and more the value of "going to the fear." It's the notion that because something is difficult or feels scary it's not only worth doing but probably something you can't afford not to.

Speak your mind thoughtfully, constructively, and politely and there's a good chance all parties will be the better for it. 

Power of the V-Formation

The next time you take a peek at an autumn sky you may catch the sight of a flock of geese flying in a V-formation. They fly together to cut down on wind resistance, sometimes by as much as 70 %. As a result, they reach their destination quicker and with less exertion.

When we work in harmony with others who share our values and core principles we reach our target together while lifting one another up, and having a lot more fun along the way.

We don’t have to bulldoze our way to our dreams. What’s more, we don’t have to do it alone.  

How and Why to Get Your Mastermind Group On

Pick a Time to Meet Regularly. We all have busy schedules. You’ll avoid a great deal of stress if you pick a time and stick with it. Gradually, people will learn to schedule their priorities around your weekly gathering.

Pick a Place to Meet Regularly. Scrambling to find a place each week will eventually lead to frustration and interest will taper off. Pick a spot and stick to it.

Request People Show Up on Time. Get off on the right foot. Showing up on time means everyone values the time of their colleagues. This creates a good “contagion” and an environment where ideas can cross-pollinate.

Create an Environment of Mutual Respect. Author and speaker Stephen Covey said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” We learn by listening to one another even when we feel compelled to speak. Listening is essential if we want to learn.

Set Goals. Having actionable objectives each member can work on before the next meeting gives them something to put their energy and focus towards. With group accountability, positive reinforcement, you’ll gradually begin to see the progress you’re making towards your goals.

Benefits:

A platform where ideas can cross-pollinate in a supportive and “non-judgy” environment can do wonders to mobilize your idea into action.

Having an “accountability partner,” is a powerful way to stick to your goals. Having someone hold your feet to the fire and make sure you do what you say you’ll do will help you build momentum and consistency.

When you have to tell someone why you didn’t follow through on something you said you would it raises your standards.

Your sense of personal accountability is strengthened.

Lessons from a Nepali Tour Guide

Years ago I had the great fortune of visiting Nepal. I spent several weeks volunteering for 9 amazing kids at an orphanage in a city called Chitwan, about 100 miles southwest of Kathmandu. It wasn't uncommon for the thermometer to hit 110 degrees or to see elephants casually walking down the street. It was like no place I'd ever seen.

The volunteers were also given downtime. When I wasn't helping kids with homework or preparing meals I'd take a stroll through the National Park, which was just a few hundred yards away.

One afternoon, as I sat looking out onto the water a gentlemen asked where I was from. We started talking and before long were waxing philosophy about life and what it means to be happy.

"Be happy your life now," he said repeatedly in his thick accent. His words were poignant but it took years for me to really appreciate what his simple phrase meant.

Looking back, I'm convinced he was trying to tell me the search for enlightenment is a futile one. That all we need to do is open our eyes. What we're looking for is already before us. He was encouraging me to be happy -- unreasonably so without searching for a reason. To simply be joyful and allow my contentment to be greater than my desires. 

I'm still working on it but his simple words always have a way of keeping me in check.

You Can Want Something Without Needing It

Years ago during pilot season I auditioned for a role for what seemed like a promising little series. The storyline didn't exactly grab me but I thought it'd be fun and so I prepared carefully like I always do. I hopped on a train headed for the Court Street-Borough Hall station before making my way up to the 3rd floor for the audition.

The room was sparse and the casting director looked exhausted. I could tell he'd been trying to cast the show for quite some time. He made a quip or two about the script before filming the scene. "Nice job," he said afterwards. I left and forgot about the whole thing.

A few days later I received a callback. Really? I thought. Though I'd put my best foot forward I'd convinced myself I was totally wrong for the part, which actually liberated me. I was free to make bold choices, there was an ease to my performance, and because I was sure the part would go to someone else I was incredibly relaxed. I should mention I also had fun.

I returned a few days later but this time the stakes felt raised. I felt closer. Still, I tried to remember the approach that got me here in the first place. It wasn't ambivalence, but the ability to want something without needing it. Once again I was loose, free, and able to have fun with the part. A few weeks later I booked the role.

Not surprisingly, I've booked several other roles when I was able to audition like I didn't need it. I absolutely wanted the parts, but I knew my life would go on if I didn't get cast. 

As both an actor and a casting reader I learned those are very attractive qualities to have as an artist, and they're only cultivated through living a rich life "off-stage." 

When you have other interests, relationships, and goals to look forward to you have a unique sense of perspective that will undoubtedly serve your artistry.

You Can Get a "C" Just for Showing Up

Before I went to college my dad told me there was no excuse for skipping class. “You can get a “C” just for showing up,” he said. His point was that half of success in life comes from the quality of our presence. Kindness and gratitude will get you further than you think. When we focus on what we have it becomes difficult to come up with what we don’t.

I had plenty of examples in my personal life of people who embodied that very spirit. People like my friend Dan, who’d lost both of his parents by the age of 20, yet still found a way to thrive as an orthapaedic surgeon. Instead of using his setbacks as an excuse to retreat he dug his heels in and used those challenges to develop a sense of grit and fortitude that got him into the top medical school in the country.

He taught me we get to choose how we show up in life and that the quality of our contributions begins with the quality of our philosophy - that problems are only meant to test our resolve and be reframed into opportunities; if not over the wall then under. If not under then around. And in time, with enough trial and error, we may even discover we’ve been climbing the wrong wall to begin with.