What to Do When Your Dreams Change

“Those times when you feel most desperate for a solution, sit. Wait. The information will become clear. The confusion is there to guide you. Seek detachment and become the producer of your life.”

- The Tao of Wu by The RZA

Afew years back, my folks decided to sell the home our family had lived in for more than 20 years. They made the announcement the house was going on the market with the same fanfare as someone running to the post office.

It was just another day.

Though I hadn’t lived in the house since college, I’d grown attached to what it represented.

The birthdays, holidays, BBQs, graduations, and homecomings made the house a collage of memorable, and sometimes defining moments.

It was for that very reason, I struggled to understand why parting ways with such a place seemed so easy for my folks. It didn’t make sense, which made upset me.

But as time went on, I felt my resentment grow into something more interesting.

Appreciation.

Rather then resenting their decision, I started to admire it.

And in the process, I took away some lessons on how to better walk away from an identity you once believed defined you.

It was a tall order, especially for me.

My bias for looking back had more often than not crippled my ability to see ahead.

And even though the lessons were hard won, they were important in my evolution.

“Sometimes I think my head is so big because it is so full of dreams” — Bernard Pomerance

Not long after finishing drama school, the conviction I once had to perform under the bright lights of Broadway started to fade.

It was subtle at first. So much so, I thought I could just shoo away the doubts. But over time the cries grew louder, my spirit more and more unsettled.

My actions no longer felt in accordance with my values. They had changed because I had.

Still, I was disappointed. I felt like I was slowly taking apart what made me whole.

Performing.

I reprimanded myself, harshly by most accounts, and started to ask myself tough questions.

“Why did you work so hard if you were just planning to quit?

“Who are you without this?

“What the hell do you think you’ll do now, especially at this stage in your life?”

The more grueling the interrogation, the more frustrated I became, and the further I strayed from an answer.

Until it hit me.

I was asking the wrong questions.

When I finally settled down, I began to show more self compassion as I navigated the uncertainty. I asked myself better questions, which were sometimes so good I didn’t need the answers.

It turned out, all the fuss was about loss of identity.

I’d worked tirelessly to cultivate the image of an artist and felt I had to cling to it at all costs.

But what I realized is willfully chasing a goal without knowing why precludes you from paths that may be better for you and ultimately the world.

It’s the same reason people stay in bad marriages, hold on to toxic friends, and fail to leave soul-sucking jobs.

Change is unsettling for most people. It means consulting your unhappiness, accepting your insufficiencies, and tapping into a new type of courage.

For most people that’s far too scary, especially if it means losing your sense of self.

But the truth is, no longer knowing what you want can liberate you. Being requires becoming. And sometimes, letting part of yourself go is the only way to make yourself whole again.

Doubt is actually a chance to embrace the unknown.

To be curious about the uncertainty.

To look at ambiguity as an opportunity to redefine ambitions, or fine tune the old ones.

Because what you want at 20 will be different than what you want at 40. Only, It doesn’t mean you’ve quit a dream but that you’ve evolved and what you value most in life has too.

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Conversely, if you still love something but no longer know what role it’s supposed to play in your life, take solace in knowing you never have to quit.

You can still reinvent the role your passion plays in your life.

When acting began to gradually take a less prominent role in my life, I turned to other outlets such as writing, volunteering, and travel. All were forms of artistry that allowed me to express myself in inventive and equally meaningful ways.

Still, the most important lesson my struggle with uncertainty imparted was that we’re not defined by what we do.

Looking back, I’m convinced all those years in voice, movement, and acting class actually had little to do with performance.

Instead, we were being taught to take risks, speak our minds, be lifelong learners, make a contribution, follow our curiosity, trust our intuition, standup again injustice, to connect, to thrive, to have faith, to show courage, to sacrifice, to go towards the fear, to be kind, to fix what we could, observe, focus, and never wait for life but instead go towards it.

And if we were fortunate, we might become great actors along the way.

The point was to be open to where life might take us.

You Have Plenty of Time

Dani and I had exchanged, what seemed like an infinite number of emails, texts, and missed calls before finally pinning down a date to meet for coffee. 

“SO MUCH to talk about and I think it’s meant to be that we talk soon,” she told me. 

Dani and I met just a year earlier, while volunteering at an elementary school in East Los Angeles. Right away, I could sense a restlessness about her; the beautiful angst that often accompanies youth, possibility, and not quite knowing what to do with it all.

As we casually sipped our coffees at a busy Culver City coffee shop, I saw a bit of my former self, sans tattoo and the shiny Vespa helmet sitting beside her. I recalled once feeling so young, but that I was quickly running out of time to make my mark on the world. 

I wanted to start the journey, the Appian Way to my unrealized dreams, but like her, I didn’t know where to begin. 

Listening to Dani that afternoon, everything seemed hurried as her words tried valiantly to keep pace with her thoughts. 

She showed me notes from a scratch pad Kerouac himself might have toted, full of scribbled thoughts, arrows and charts in tow. Her confusing notebook resembled a fake map devised to mislead an invading army.

But Dani was a very special girl whose passions varied from becoming a filmmaker to a human rights activist. I could tell she’d sought my help that afternoon for a little guidance on what to do and how to get the ball rolling

“If you think of all the things you want to get done at once, you’ll quickly get overwhelmed,” I said.  “You’re young and have plenty of time. First, pick one thing and do it as best you can. As you continue to try different things, your path will slowly reveal itself to you. And then, it gets simpler. Work really hard, be kind, and doors will start to open.”

Build the Right Philosophy

Before I went to college my dad told me there was no excuse for skipping class. “You can get a “C” just for showing up,” he said. His point was that half of success in life comes from the quality of our presence.

We have a choice in how we show up. And the foundation is the quality of our philosophy. In shaping my own beliefs I drew from 3 main tenets:

First, your time is limited. 

Your life is flying by! Don’t waste another second making the unimportant important or falling into the trap of believing there will always be a tomorrow.

Second, if someone doesn’t understand your dreams it’s their problem not yours. 

No matter what you do, there will never be complete agreement it’s an endeavor worth pursuing. Not everyone is going to get what you’re trying to do. And that’s okay.

Third, to not fear failure. 

Without a doubt, the greatest gift being an actor has given me is having zero fear of losing. And as hokey as it sounds, learning to sidestep failure and continue to push towards your aspirations is essential. What I've learned in an industry where you're told "No," 99% of the time is failure isn't a testament to your character, self-worth, or even talent. It's just feedback; a way to assess where you are and where you need to be.

Nobody Can Build the Bridge for You

Yesterday afternoon I sat in the back row of one my favorite movie houses. In fact, the theater just celebrated its 100th anniversary. There's a classic feel to the old tabernacle as photos of the building's earlier days line the corridors. The only thing that's really changed is the price of popcorn. 

I've always found how people react to a play or film almost as compelling as the production itself. Thankfully, this film in particular elicited some animated reactions. I heard people sigh, laugh, and even voice frustration. 

The story was about a middle-aged man who believes his entire life has amounted to nothing. The fact that everyone he went to college with has become wildly successful (at least by conventional standards) tugs at him throughout the film. He envies their money, fame, and lifestyle without having any real perception of how their lives really are.

By the end of the film he's come to terms with the fact that success is completely subjective. It takes being dressed down by a girl more than half his age for him to appreciate his life's work. 

After the film, I though about a famous quote by Nietzsche:

“Nobody can build the bridge for you to walk across the river of life, no one but you yourself alone."

I also considered the goals I had when I was a very young man wondering if they were even mine to begin with. I've seen dozens of friends chase a set of goals and perhaps even more damaging, values, that were projected on to them by society. Their own lay dormant, tucked far away from any semblance of realization. 

I think it's incredibly important, particularly for artists, to take a step back every now and then and take a little inventory of what their objectives are and if they truly belong to them. 

The friends I consider the most successful are the ones who realize they're already living the dream. 

6 + 4

6 Ways Actors and Artists Can Empower Themselves:

1. Lifelong learning

2. Travel

3. Service to others

4. Define success on your own terms

5. Create your own opportunities 

6. Understand that dreams change

The 4 Truths of Creating Your Own Opportunities:

1. Don't wait -- Begin today

2. Adopt the right philosophy

3. Avoid toxic people / environments

4. Flow rather than muscle to your goals

All the World is a Stage

About a year ago I sat beaming in one of the last rows of a church I was once forced to attend weekly as a little boy. Many years had passed since my Catholic school days, but this afternoon all seemed to come full circle. One of my best friends was exchanging vows with the woman he planned to spend the rest of his life with. It was a wonderful day.

Just a few months before I sat in the same church for a very different event. Another classmate was mourning the loss of his father. Both were, in some sense, a celebration of life -- what was and what will be.

Looking back I was struck by how the same place could be used for such distinctly different events. And as things often do, it reminded me of creative expression, more specifically the theater.

A place of worship is in some sense like a theater -- a place where people gather to listen, to reflect, and hopefully be moved in some small way. Enthusiasm isn't unique to one place or event and will hopefully accompany you regardless of your endeavor. It does after all mean, "to be filled with god."

When I think back on my relationship to the theater I reflect on the many different roles it's played in my life. It was the foundation for dreams -- GIANT dreams. Some realized, others that remain dormant. 

It was at times the source of enormous joy and laughter. I recall life lessons expounded on the cold surface of our black box theater as theater giants like Kristin Linklater, Anne Bogart, Andrei Serban, and Niky Wolcz shared their wisdom. 

Finally, the theater could also be the root of great pain -- a mirror in which we were asked to take a deep look into, questioning our most intimate thoughts and the source of our unrealized potential.

What makes these places of gathering, of sacrifice if you will, so special is the breadth of perspective they offer. You can feel so much and so differently depending on the setting. 

It's through that stretching of emotions and thought that our ability for creative expression also widens. We feel more, see more, know more, and as a result are hopefully willing to share more.

The essence of performance is when we bring all those truthful experiences to the stage bringing light to our humanity no matter how beautiful or ugly.

Brave vs. Reckless

Right now my 8th graders are reading a book called, Banner in the Sky. The lead character is a young boy of 16 named Rudi Matt who is determined to scale the last great summit of the Alps -- The Citadel. Only one man has ever dared to approach the top and he died in his pursuit. His name was Josef Matt. He was Rudi's father. 

The book has inspired some wonderful conversations with my students. We've talked at great length about pursuing dreams and whether or not they can come at too great a cost. The other day I asked, "Is Rudi's dream to climb the Citadel brave or reckless? And what is the difference?"

They say the most rewarding part of being a teacher is learning from those you teach. I couldn't agree more. Each response was unique, unbridled, and sincere. "Well, I think he's being brave," one student said. "It's something he wants to do and he's doing it. That takes courage." Another argued he was being self-serving. "He has a responsibility to his mother who is worried about him. Not only is he being reckless but he's selfish."

Wherever my students stood it was clear the book resonated with them on a deeply personal level. I was reminded of the power of storytelling but more importantly how we must define what it means to be bold instead of careless on our own terms. 

Power of the V-Formation

The next time you take a peek at an autumn sky you may catch the sight of a flock of geese flying in a V-formation. They fly together to cut down on wind resistance, sometimes by as much as 70 %. As a result, they reach their destination quicker and with less exertion.

When we work in harmony with others who share our values and core principles we reach our target together while lifting one another up, and having a lot more fun along the way.

We don’t have to bulldoze our way to our dreams. What’s more, we don’t have to do it alone.  

It's Not About Where It'll Get You

When you're a kid you're conditioned to believe if you just work hard enough all your dreams will eventually be realized. As you get older in life you begin to appreciate the undeniable role luck plays in reaching exceptional heights. 

Maya Angelou was once asked about the remarkable qualities leaders like John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Nelson Mandela possessed. She argued they weren't any more talented than you or I, they were just in the right place at the right time and "grabbed on to something."

The point is that we may or may not reach our carefully scripted dreams even if we work incredibly hard and have immense talent. But that alone should not stop us from working hard and putting our best effort towards being better than we were yesterday. 

When we rejoice in hard work and the act of striving for its own sake great things can still happen even if they are not in harmony with what we thought we once wanted.

Not Everyone Will Get It

Ever had an idea you were convinced was the best thing since the iPod? Then when you tried to share your brilliant innovation you were met with confusion, a cordial nod at best? 

The truth is, not everyone is going to get what you do and that's okay. In fact, it probably means you're on the right path. If an idea is universally accepted it's likely it's been done before, or isn't bold enough.

Anyone who has ever achieved anything notable, or disrupted an industry was told "no," once, twice, hundreds of times. Their ideas were met with indifference and probably even hostility.

The point is to share your goals with only like-minded folks who support your vision and will hold you accountable to taking action. Don't allow yourself to get discouraged by other people's inability to recognize your idea. 

Protect your dreams fiercely, keep your head down and just put in the work. 

Muscle vs. Flow

There is a podcast I absolutely love called the Bruce Lee podcast. It's available on iTunes and SoundCloud if you're interested:

https://soundcloud.com/brucelee

Each week Sharon and Shannon Lee (his daughter) share the lessons and philosophies of the legendary actor, philosopher, and martial artist Bruce Lee. One particular episode entitled, "Be a Nobody," really caught my attention. 

The hosts discussed this culture of "hustle," that is so prevalent in our society today. Check your Instagram, or Facebook page and it's strewn with images of our favorite celebrities screaming, working out, and emphasizing the importance of the "grind." 

I think many of the messages are inspiring and well-intentioned.They simply want people to take action and work toward their dreams, which is a very noble endeavor.

As someone who hustles toward his dreams, I've recently taken inventory of how exhausting it can me to "muscle" through everything. And I'm still not convinced more necessarily gets done by buying into this culture.

What about flow? The idea of moving in a direction with momentum and a sense of harmony. It absolutely does not mean you don't work hard, or won't face obstacles, but rather you have a greater sense of fluidity in your actions and thoughts. 

Think of a stream racing through a valley. Invariably, there will be a rock or boulder in it's way. The water doesn't stop and scream, "Move!" It simply goes above, around, or below. And it somehow does it all seamlessly, while still reaching it's destination. 

There is still great momentum, energy, and effort being expended but in a way that incorporates that resistance as merely part of the journey.

Today, ask yourself if you muscle or flow toward your goals. And how can you incorporate more harmony, fluidity, and exert the right type of energy to get closer to where you want to be.

You Don't Need to Share Your Dreams with Everyone

There's a famous story about a woman who sold fax machines door-to-door for 7 years. After work, she'd rush home and work on a dream she'd slowly been developing that struck her one evening before heading off to a party. She toiled away working late into the night and on weekends. This went on for years and years.

Eventually, her family wanted to know what it was that had been keeping her so busy. After a year or so she finally revealed to her mother what'd she'd been up to.

Why did she wait a so long to share this ambition that burned so passionately within? Because she knew her mother would try to talk her out of it. 

That woman's name is Sara Blakely who is the founder of a little company called Spanx. And by last count Mrs. Blakely is worth just over $1,000,000,000.

We don't always, and in some cases shouldn't, share our dreams with everyone. 

Often times the people closest to us, who also claim to have our best interests at heart, will crush a dream, or worse a spirit.

This may be a stretch for some, but I believe people's attempt to talk you out of something you yearn to do can be a form of bullying -- a tactic of intimidation utilized by projecting fear, doubt, and bitterness on to you. 

Protect your dreams fiercely. Share them only with like-minded people who support your vision, believe in you, and will hold you accountable to take the action steps necessary to get you closer to where you want to be. 

Choose your Brain Trust wisely. 

I Wasn't Special

For years I wore the fact I hadn't reached all of my highest targets as an actor despite having given it everything I had as a badge of honor. It was a way to proclaim the "injustice" of the industry and forfeit some accountability.

But as I got older, I realized there was absolutely nothing noble or unique about giving something your all and still coming up short. There were people in all types of industries who'd spent just as much emotional, physical, mental, and financial capital into a project for years and years only to see their dreams not come to fruition.

Instead of distancing myself from this people, clinging on to the notion that nobody would understand how I felt, I began to find ways to humble myself. These people became mentors, role models, and inspirations. 

I tipped my hat to their sense of fortitude and refusal to quit their quest to find some way to amplify their voices and offer value even if it may now be in a different way than originally intended. 

TEDx Talk Recap: 6 Ways Actors and Artists Can Empower Themselves

Last Tuesday, I had the great fortune of speaking at a TEDx Event at Bergen Community College in New Jersey. The title of the talk was, 6 Ways Actors and Artists Can Empower themselves.

The principles of the speech are largely drawn from my book, To the Prospective Artist: Lessons from an Unknown Actor and I hope you find them of value regardless of your passion or pursuit. Here's a quick run down of the six points:

1. Continual Learning - Your education never stops. Read everything you can get your hands on, take classes, meet new people. For years I was a 1-dimensional person who could talk all day about theater and great storytelling, but soon realized I needed to know a little about a lot more. Acting eventually became what I did, but no longer defined who I was.

2. Travel - You don't have to go far. For example, you don't need your passport to wander the botanic gardens in Brooklyn, or catch the bus to City Island. Each place, near or far gives you an opportunity to meet new people and challenge the assumptions you have about them.

3. Service to Others - For anyone looking for a crash course in understanding "The Bigger Picture" service to others is your answer. Brief service stints in countries like Nepal, Haiti, and South Africa taught me there will always be someone in the world having a tougher time than you. Service to others is a great way to discover new things about yourself. Happiness, to a large degree, is a choice. And helping people help themselves gives integrity to your ambition.

4. Define Success on Your Own Terms - This means letting go of other people's definition of success. My heroes were ordinary people who worked day jobs, but still found the time to sing, write, act, or play. They taught me success is becoming great and something you love to do and attainment of your goal is not the point, but rather who you become in the process.

5. Create Your Own Opportunities - Admittedly, this one took me a LONG time to figure out. But it's very likely that phone call for the perfect part, or opportunity will never arrive so YOU need to create it. Today, all you need is a smartphone and idea. Start writing your story today through blogs, plays, films, or one-person shows. Start that business or write that book. You have more control over getting your voice out into the world than you've been led to believe. And remember, your success does not need to come at the expense of someone else's failure.

6. Dreams Change and that's Okay - What you want at 25 will be different than what you want at 45. It doesn't mean you've quit a dream. It just means you've evolved and what you value most in life is now different. I learned that all those years in voice, movement, and acting class had little to do with being an actor and more to do with living a life and not just a career. If we were fortunate we might become great actors in the process. The point was to be open to where life might take you.

I'll be sure to post the TEDx Talk in it's entirety when I can. Look for it on www.nickmaccarone.com or on YouTube. I hope you find it of value! 

IBD's 10 Secrets to Success

Investor Business Daily has spent years analyzing leaders and successful people in all walks of life. Most have 10 traits that, when combined, can turn dreams into reality. 

1. HOW YOU THINK IS EVERYTHING. Always be positive. Think success, not failure. Beware of a negative environment.

2. DECIDE UPON YOUR TRUE DREAMS AND GOALS: Write down your specific goals and develop a plan to reach them.

3. TAKE ACTION: Goals are nothing without action. Don't be afraid to get started. Just do it.

4. NEVER STOP LEARNING: Go back to school or read books. Get training and acquire skills.

5. BE PERSISTENT AND WORK HARD: Success is a marathon, not a sprint. Never give up.

6. LEARN TO ANALYZE DETAILS: Get all the facts, all the input. Learn from your mistakes.

7. FOCUS YOUR TIME AND MONEY: Don't let other people or things distract you.

8. DON'T BE AFRAID TO INNOVATE; BE DIFFERENT: Following the herd is a sure way to mediocrity. 

9. DEAL AND COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE EFFECTIVELY: No person is an island. Learn to understand and motivate others.

10. BE HONEST AND DEPENDABLE; TAKE RESPONSIBILITY: Otherwise number 1-9 won't matter.

Embolden Your "Why"

For as much effort as I put into each important endeavor, the truth remains, I work hardest on myself. And so it still confounds me that I don't get more things done.

Perhaps this is a hang-up many of you can relate to. There just never seems to be enough hours in a day, or you're secretly haunted by the knowing there's simply a better way. You just haven't figured it out yet.

But how many of us work steadily towards a goal, sometimes for years on end, without occasionally taking inventory of its importance? Does it still matter? Is it a long-term goal or simply a means to one? And more importantly, do I have a philosophy on life? What is it exactly these goals that I value so much are helping me do? Be? Get out of life?

As of late, these are questions I haven't asked myself nearly enough. I'll plop down in a chair and begin typing away without a second thought as to why. I know they're important, or were at one point, but fail to dig deeper asking, "What is the long-term objective here?"

As a result, it's easy to lose sight of the broader vision. In fact, for some, it's impossible to lose because you never had it to begin with.

Stay focused on your dreams. Work hard. Go forth undaunted.

Just check in with yourself from time to time and embolden your, "Why." It may make all the difference.

Master Class

For many years in New York I worked as a casting reader. The projects varied in scope, but invariably I'd be called in to help out with projects every actor dreams of - large-scale Broadway productions reading opposite giants of the theater and occasionally silver screen.

Friends would often pepper me with questions about what so-and-so was like, or what the secret to a great audition was. But mostly, they wanted to know about the career and lives of the stars.

My observations and insights seldom led up to expectation, but I was telling the truth. "They're just people," I'd say. "They get just as nervous before an audition as you or me." But perhaps the most valuable lesson I took away was that you never not have challenges. As you steadily rise higher in your career, you simply trade your old issues for a new set of ones.