How do I work through my fears?

Reframing fear as an asset rather than a liability is important. 

But it’s also crucial fear plays its role. It’s only a supporting character.

Fear is Cornelius.

Francisco at best.

It does not get to be Hamlet.

Because if fear takes center stage it stifles, then inhibits risk-taking, evolution of self, creativity, and a life fully realized. 

Stephen King on Writing

I was pretty skeptical about picking up a book about writing. This is not to say I was above doing so but that I was unclear on how one could be taught how to be a writer. That all changed when I bought Anna Lamott's, Bird by Bird last fall.

Her well-written and honest take on how writing is both painful and capable of offering unparalleled fulfillment inspired me to pick up another. This time, I bought Stephen King's, On Writing. 

I can't claim to be the biggest Stephen King fan. In fact, I don't think I've read any of his books until this one. But this one is no less than a Master Class. It's a simple collection of personal stories sprinkled in with some helpful do's and don'ts. King mostly nudges but isn't shy about some habits he considers nothing less than blasphemous. ("The road to hell is paved with adverbs.")

Here are some of the lessons I've taken away so far. I hope you find them as helpful as I do:

-- Omit all needless words

-- The editor is always right

-- NEVER staple a manuscript

-- Stopping a piece of work just because it's hard either emotionally or imaginatively is a bad idea.

-- Write for whatever reason you want. To save the world. To be heard. But don't EVER come to writing easily. Writing isn't curing cancer but it's also not putting on lipstick. Never be casual when you pick up a pen to say something.

-- Fear is usually at the root of bad writing. 

-- Good writing is usually about letting go of fear and affectation.

A Little Tension is Good

Tension doesn't get nearly the credit it deserves. Most of us assume it's a categorically bad thing and something we should avoid at all costs. But I've found tension, like most things, is not all good or all bad.

There's the tension we manufacture, worrying about what we have no control over. We get worked up over matters beyond our scope of influence. And as a result, our tension often manifests itself into fear which we end up projecting on to others.

But there's a good tension. The tension that pushes us to want a little more out of life. To get up earlier, to work a little harder, to travel more, listen more, and choose education over entertainment more. 

There's a healthy friction at the root of all the things that pushes us to be a little more in the limited time that we have. 

The 5-Second Rule

What a difference 3 weeks can make. One of the biggest reservations I had about teaching this summer was having to have what are called, "Desk Talks" with students. It refers to when a teacher needs to speak one-on-one with a student disrupting a class.

I was also a bit reluctant to speak to parents about possible behavioral or academic setbacks their children might be having. I associated both responsibilities as confrontational and wanted to avoid both at all costs.

But a funny thing started to happen the more I taught. I gradually fell into a groove, took command of my classroom more and more each week, and didn't hesitate when an issue needed to be addressed. I implemented what is called, "The 5-second rule."

The idea is simple. When you know there is something you should do, but your mind alerts you of the danger and gradually persuades you to steer clear you go to the fear anyway. The longer you wait the less likely you'll address the problem. If it helps, you can even count to yourself.

Just remember not to wait. GO. TO. THE. FEAR. 

Praise Others Regularly

The other day I struck up a conversation with a woman who works at a supermarket I frequent. I have to say she's a pretty remarkable lady. She works hard, always has a smile on her face, and says hello to absolutely everyone. She clearly takes pride in her work and really loves people.

I finally mustered up the courage to go up to her and share my thoughts on how great I thought she was. "You know, I come here all the time and have to say I admire how kind and thoughtful you are to everyone. This place is really lucky to have you. It's clear you have a very big heart," I told her.

She smiled before saying, "You know, I really do." I could tell she was grateful for the words of encouragement even if she already knew as much. Who knows, it may have put an extra bounce in her step.

The point is, we don't praise others nearly enough. Even when we take note of how someone is being awesome at life we often keep it to ourselves for fear it won't come out right, or won't make a difference.

Go to the fear. Speak words of praise. It will matter.

First Day of School

Yesterday, marked the first day of my summer teaching position. I'm working for an organization geared towards helping kids from 4k all the way to high school learn to fall in love with books and storytelling. 

The strategies are also made up of some more technical components like teaching phonics, speed reading, and gauging reading comprehension. It was a challenging but great first day.

En route to my new job I left before the crack of dawn. I didn't want to take any chances with the traffic that has now become legendary, or infamous rather, in these parts. I tripled checked all the materials I needed to bring, but quickly found out during my second class I should have looked once more. 

"You forgot it,"a first grader said to me. There aren't many things worse than that sinking feeling of letting someone down.

Still, I improvised. I made the best out of an avoidable situation and ended on a strong note. And my first go was a Masters Class. Here's what I learned:

• Go to the fear immediately. Don’t wait, or you'll likely never do it.
• Stay healthy – get rest, eat well, and be kind to yourself. You will not last if you don’t.
• You have more energy than you think.
• You will rise to the occasion no matter how hard the work if you’ve trained properly beforehand.
• NOTHING goes according to plan.
• You must be flexible.
• Kindness and patience no matter what.

Go to the Fear

The greatest gift being an actor has given me is having no fear of failure. Learning to lean into my fears. I don't equate my self-worth or the quality of my work with what others think. It doesn't mean I'm not open to constructive feedback, but that I value and believe in the work I put out into the world. My belief is, if someone doesn't care for my work it's not my problem.

I believe the most compelling work comes from the place we're afraid to go to. "Go to the fear," a friend recently told me after reading a first draft of my one-man show. "It's all there already. You're just dancing around what you really want to say."

What is it you really want to communicate through your work? And why are you afraid to do so? Usually, our fears are not substantiated and we fail to recognize that vulnerability is an act of courage, not weakness. And that is where true artistry resides -in taking bold risks.

Resist Being Bullied

I believe trying to talk someone out of their deepest aspirations is a form of bullying. It's a tactic of projecting fear, doubt, and bitterness on to someone with the hope they won't pursue a dream another didn't have the courage to follow themself.

Unfortunately, such opposition often comes from the people who love us most and claim to have our best interests at heart. And in fairness, maybe they believe that. I'm not suggesting you be closed off to constructive feedback but that you protect your dreams fiercely.

Whether it's the arts or some other less conventional career path, when what we do doesn't align with someone's understanding of the world they feel threatened. But if there's one thing I've learned it's that someone else's misgivings about you and your form of expression isn't your problem. 

You're going to come up against a great deal of resistance in this industry so it's crucial you surround yourself with like-minded people who support your vision, have your back, and will hold you accountable to taking action. 

Fear Isn't a Bad Word

A few weeks ago I talked about how the word, "anger," is not categorically bad. I argued that if channeled in a productive way great things can come of it.

I feel the same way about fear. Fear is part of our coding. Human beings are wired for survival so we're constantly on the lookout for  what we perceive to be threats. 

Several thousand years ago they came in the form of something that might eat you, but today they are much broader and for the most part less extreme.

Having fear is not only a natural part of being alive, but can also be an asset as long as we don't allow it to stifle us. Here are just a handful of fears that have propelled me and others I know to strive toward greater heights. 

- A fear of mediocrity.
- A fear of regret.
- A fear of not putting our best foot forward.
- A fear of not living life on our own terms.
- A fear of settling.
- A fear of not allowing our voice to be heard.
- A fear of giving up.
- A fear of not spending enough time with our families and friends.

But having awareness of these fears is not enough. We must mobilize and do something about them.

Lastly, fear and regret have some correlations. (at least in my case) In Bronnie Ware's 2011 book, The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying here's what she stumbled upon:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Fear

We often associate remarkably successful people with being fearless. Conventional thinking argues such people are devoid of doubt, or unease when it comes to making big bold decisions in business and in life.

But by their own admission, they are afraid. Very much so. In fact, one should take great solace in knowing that having fear means you're not a sociopath.

What I've noticed in my observations of people who create meaningful projects that make an impact in their communities, the lives of people around them, and even the world is that they operate despite fear, not because of its vacancy.

Acknowledging that fear it exists and that it's okay to experience it is the first of many steps to heightened self-awareness. Once it's been acknowledged you can proceed. And if something is important enough to you chances are you will.