What I've Learned from the Happiest People in My Life

My folks don’t look at aging as simply surviving but as an invitation to continue to thrive. Blowing out a few more candles doesn’t mean an atrophy of the spirit but rather a reawakening of it.

They also reframe what aging means.

They drink deeply from great literature, talk long walks, travel, and surround themselves with like-minded friends and family.

All have these efforts have contributed to heightening their awareness in all meaningful arenas of life including spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically.

As a result, they're less worried, more grounded, and have greater joy.

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A Few Quick Thoughts on Happiness for 2018

I once heard an actor I admired reveal in an interview how he thought happiness was overrated. I remember the journalist sitting across from him nearly collapse, as he sat awestruck by the proclamation. 
   
But in some perverse way I actually understood where the guy was coming from. 

From Socrates to Freud, the remarkably elusive emotional state of well-being has been poked, prodded, and dissected for literally thousands of years. What is happiness and how do we all get more of it?

The most poignant observation of happiness I've heard in recent memory came from author and TV host, Rabbi Shmuley who said, "Happiness is a byproduct of living a life of meaning." 

In other words, happiness is not something you can actively pursue but rather the result of doing work YOU believe to be worthwhile.

Whatever your theory on attaining more mental contentment can we call agree there are a few vital ingredients to happiness?

Lucky for us, the ancient Greek Philosopher Epicurus thought so. 

Epicurus was born on the Greek island of Samos, roughly 270 miles from Athens. Perhaps best known for giving us words like, wait for it, "Epicurean," which refers to a person devoted exclusively to pleasure, the philosopher was also known for establishing schools and contributing his prolific doctrines on hedonism, pleasure, and materialism. 

But what did his philosophy entail exactly and is it accurate, or even fair to link Epicurus with only sensuality and self-indulgence? 

Or was there more to it?   

Unlike Socrates, whose main pursuits lied in uncovering the sturdy tenets of logic and sound argument, Epicurus's feelings on happiness evolved into appreciating something many of us already have but tend to overlook.

As Alain de Botton points out in, Consolations of Philosophy Epicurus valued the following above all else:

1. Friendship

2. Freedom

3. Thought

"Wealth is of course unlikely to ever make anyone miserable. But the crux of Epicurus's argument is that if we have money without friends, freedom and an analyzed life, we will never be truly happy. And if we have them, but are missing the fortune, we will never be unhappy."

Unfortunately, marketing, television, and even the circles we choose to surround ourselves with don't help a great deal in promoting those simple treasures. 

Instead, we believe material possessions to be valid solutions to wants we don't fully comprehend. 

In other words, we fail to understand our complexity, our delicate subtleties and as result look outside rather than in. 

Start 2018 by looking closer to the friends, freedom, and capacity for resourceful thought already at your fingertips.

Curate Your Social Circle

I once had a friend who could convince me the world was going to pieces just by the way he said hello. Each time I tried to get him to look at life in a more positive light he'd say, "I'm just being realistic." What bummed me out most about his take on the world was I saw extraordinary potential in him to do great things.

The truth is, some of the people closest to us will only see the downside of up or have an axe to grind. And it's just not realistic to cut them out of our lives completely. But what we can do is level up the number of positive, ambitious, and inspiring people we spend most of our time with. 

In Brendon Burchard's new book, High Performance Habits he discusses the benefits of surrounding yourself with a community of like-minded people who support your vision, have your back, and will encourage you to hold yourself accountable to making something happen. It turns out there's actual data that supports the notion our lives will eventually reflect the people we spend the most time with.

The people around you affect how much you sleep, the food that you eat, and how much money you spend or save. This dynamic, which has been dubbed "social contagion," has been show to have both detriments and benefits.

On the negative front, researchers have found that bad behaviors and outcomes such as smoking, obesity, loneliness, depression, divorce, and drug use tend to grow in social clusters. If your friends smoke, you probably will, too. The more of your friends who are overweight or divorced, the higher the odds you'll get there, too.

Likewise, positive things such as happiness and prosocial behavior also seem to spread within social groups. For example, if you have a friend who is happy in life, your chances of feeling happy go up by 25 percent. 

It's important we choose our brain trust wisely and actively look for people who make us better. The key is to believe you can get better with the right effort and community behind you. 

What I Learned from Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

I spent several years as a casting reader for Jersey Boys, the hit-musical about the formation, success, and highs and lows of the 1960s rock'n roll group, The Four Seasons. As a reader I had the chance to read with some of New York's most talented actors. I often sat in awe as they belted out tunes like December 1963 and Sherry. 

I'd been a reader for the production so long I got to the point where I often didn't even need to glance at the script while performing. Over time, I also began to appreciate the broader themes of the play on a deeper level. Topics like how jealousy corrupts, the importance of friendship, and how commercial success doesn't always equate to personal happiness began to really resonate with me.

One line in particular sticks with me to this day. It comes towards the end of the play when members of the Four Seasons look back on how the group first came together. Despite all the money they made and the notoriety they gained they still long for those simpler days when they didn't have a dime and everything was out in front.

"Just four guys under a street lamp. That was the best."

As I look back on my career as an actor the moments that stick out the most were performing in little black box theaters in the East Village in front of 10 people and rehearsing A Doll's House in a cramped corridor with my scene partner while at grad school. Those were my "street lamps."

Someday, you'll miss the very moments you're trying to speed through. Enjoy the process and try not to rush it. Trust me, it goes by fast enough on its own.  

Lessons from My Kid Brother

The age difference between my youngest brother and I is nearly 14 years. He is the self-proclaimed, "family blessing." And though the gap in years meant I missed much of his childhood while away at college and grad school, I have a lot of fond memories of his youth of youths. 

The other day I phoned him to ask how everything was going. "Hey bro, just got a new surf board!" he told me. Just a few weeks before I came home to visit my family only to find he'd made my father's office into a makeshift "studio." My parents were of course out of town.

It's said that happiness has two peaks. People are filled with the most joy during their 20s and 10 years after retirement. I'm not entirely clear on what the correlation between the two phases of our lives are, but I'm gathering it has to do with a more effortless type of optimism. 

I've taken away some profound lessons from the "little guy," who now towers above me. The most important being his enthusiasm and resilience. He beams when discussing the future, a new relationship, a concert, a film he saw, or all the places he hopes to someday see. 

And like the rest of us, he's prone to getting bummed out from time to time, but when he's down he isn't there for long. He bounces back with an enviable buoyancy that seems to say, "My time is limited, I'm not going to waste it brooding."

I wonder how and why we lose that sensibility and whether it's possible to keep a small piece of that. Maybe it means hanging around younger people. Perhaps it just means cultivating a younger person spirit. Whatever the answer, I think it's important to appreciate we can learn a lot from people who haven't lived as long, or experienced the same setbacks. 

At the very least, they may remind you of how you once embraced possibility, felt unbridled enthusiasm, and remind you of the importance of courting life like a partner -- there may be fireworks at first but gradually the relationship evolves over time. 

But if you work at it each day love will remain as the foundation.

Just Ride it Out - It'll Pass

Ever feel like you're having one of those days, weeks, or even months where you're just coasting? Work is going well, your personal relationships are on point, and your thought process is clear and forward-thinking. It's almost as if nothing can stop you. 

Then out of nowhere, someone says something off-putting, you catch a distressing headline, or something you've wrestled with in the past comes bubbling back up to the surface. You've suddenly taken two steps back.

Though we may strive for happiness, true character is cultivated through hardships and setbacks. You wouldn't enjoy those moments of joy if you weren't equally versed in adversity and pain. 

When those moments come up we can take solace in the knowing they're an integral part of growth. Just like joy, struggle is fleeting, a fickle guests who rarely outstays her welcome. 

Moments of frustration, paralysis, and pain will pass so it's important to keep our poise knowing we'll somehow come out better off if we're willing to.

You Can Want Something Without Needing It

Think of the first time you tried asking out that guy or girl you really liked. You may have found yourself stumbling over words, trying too hard to be funny, and more or less making an ass of yourself. Hey, it happens. 

Courting a partner can be a lot like auditioning. A sense of "neediness" can be sensed from a mile away. 

During my time as a casting reader I could tell, which actors led meaningful lives "off-stage." It was clear they wanted the part but would be just fine if it went to someone else. They were so fulfilled personally that their happiness or sense of self-worth didn't hinge on being cast in a show. In other words, their acceptance of themselves wasn't contingent about validation from others. Now that's attractive.

I learned the importance of not driving yourself crazy after an audition, rehashing in your head what you could of, should of, or might have done differently. Instead, the seasoned pros taught me to leave it at the door and go about your day. 

You can want something without needing it.

Be Happy Where You Are

A close friend of mine is one of the most talented artists I've ever met. She's worked for major theater and opera companies, toured the world, and from the outside seems to live "the life."

Yet, each time we speak she seems to be in a frenzy. She wonders where her next job will come from, why certain directors won't call her back, and seldom seems to acknowledge her accomplishments. 

As a casting reader for Broadway plays, I spent years reading opposite brilliant actors -some famous but most were not. 

What I discovered is no matter where you are in your career you never not have problems. Your obstacles just change. 

As a result, I've learned happiness is not attained through achievement alone. One must first make a concerted effort to be happy wherever they are. And when unexpected events occur, good or bad, you're more likely to show poise because you've already decided to bring your own weather wherever you go.

Living a Life and Not Just a Career

"Your happiness is not predicated on your art," a friend once told me. It was a seismic shift in roles. Here, was a young man I once affectionately referred to as my "younger brother," now schooling me on the importance of living a life and not just a career.

It was a realization he'd stumbled upon after being fired from a job at a theater company. During the long plane ride home he had time to consider all the ways he'd said no to life for the sake of advancing his career. "People were always inviting me out to parties after shows and I always said, 'No.' I really regret that."

How many times had I too declined an engagement, cancelled an invitation, or sought solitude to rehearse the same monologues for hours on end? I wondered. It wasn't until I was physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted from the daily grind of being an actor that I was nudged, or rather, shook into remember there was more to life than deciding which blazer to wear for my headshots.

In time, I started to slowly engage with the world I'd neglected, choosing instead to participate in every way I could. Slowly, the world was once again three dimensional, my priorities re-calibrated, and acting somehow became a joy again.