"These kids really struggle with that...."

Yesterday afternoon I paid a visit to my old high school. An old mentor invited me to speak to her students on what I call, The 4 Truths of Creating Your Own Opportunities. It was an opportunity to give my upcoming TEDx Talk in Cleveland a test run.

When I entered the drama room I saw that virtually nothing had changed. The same cramped office sat in the corner, beat-up sofas lined the stage, and even the lighting was the same. It brought back some fond memories of playing drama games like, Black Widow and Zip-Zap-Zop.

Thankfully the speech seemed to resonate with the students. They asked questions afterwards and we had a great discussion on the importance of creating your own opportunities, building the right philosophy, avoiding toxic people and environments, and working hard without losing perspective. But one subject matter in particular proved to be a sensitive one. When sharing some of my successes as an actor and writer I mentioned the key was learning to fall in love with failure.

"These kids really struggle with that one," my teacher told me. "Everything needs to be perfect with these guys." I saw a few kids smile, while others offered a subtle nod of recognition. 

"It's like anything else," I said. "You have to practice it a lot before you get good at it. And once you learn not to take failure personally you'll learn to just keep moving." I also told the story of how when I was a young actor I wanted all my scenes to go perfectly when a very influential teacher took note saying, "The pursuit of perfection is merely the pursuit of vanity."

She was trying to teach me you don't learn anything when you win all the time.

What to Do When Struggling with Your "Why"

The other night I was talking to a good friend of mine back in New York. "Have you ever felt your motivation start to fade?" he asked. "Sure," I told him. "It happens."

What I've discovered is your "why" for doing what you do will be tested, especially the longer you do something. It can happen for any number of reasons. For my friend, it was clear he'd evolved a great deal as a person and the things he valued in life had changed. He was still working hard towards a dream that didn't completely line-up with his new self. 

Sometimes we also need to take the focus off our hustle and look outside ourselves. I found that being of service to others whether as a teacher, or volunteer re-awakened the things I love to do most in life. As much as I enjoyed teaching I realized there were other ways I could best be of service. And I only came to that realization by tinkering with different platforms and trying new things. New experiences may bring to light another path worth taking or restore the one you're already on.  

You're Not Going to Be Good at Everything and That's Okay -- The Value of Emotional Intelligence

I once asked by an exasperated supervisor if I was “sent by the enemy,” when I failed to grasp the system in place at the homeless shelter he ran. Being moved by rousing political speeches and fascinated by foreign policy didn’t mean I was cut out for politics. And you can bet the cost of a ballpark beer I’ll never hit a baseball out Yankee Stadium. Today I’m okay with those realities, while just a few years ago any talk of limitations would have simply compelled me to work harder. 

Now, I choose to focus on my strengths, while learning the skills needed to grow both personally and professionally. As a result, my efforts have become more deliberate and focused. I've learned to leverage my strengths while becoming a shrewd judge of my shortcomings. Both have proved indispensable as I try to grow my speaking and writing practice. 

Curate Your Social Circle

I once had a friend who could convince me the world was going to pieces just by the way he said hello. Each time I tried to get him to look at life in a more positive light he'd say, "I'm just being realistic." What bummed me out most about his take on the world was I saw extraordinary potential in him to do great things.

The truth is, some of the people closest to us will only see the downside of up or have an axe to grind. And it's just not realistic to cut them out of our lives completely. But what we can do is level up the number of positive, ambitious, and inspiring people we spend most of our time with. 

In Brendon Burchard's new book, High Performance Habits he discusses the benefits of surrounding yourself with a community of like-minded people who support your vision, have your back, and will encourage you to hold yourself accountable to making something happen. It turns out there's actual data that supports the notion our lives will eventually reflect the people we spend the most time with.

The people around you affect how much you sleep, the food that you eat, and how much money you spend or save. This dynamic, which has been dubbed "social contagion," has been show to have both detriments and benefits.

On the negative front, researchers have found that bad behaviors and outcomes such as smoking, obesity, loneliness, depression, divorce, and drug use tend to grow in social clusters. If your friends smoke, you probably will, too. The more of your friends who are overweight or divorced, the higher the odds you'll get there, too.

Likewise, positive things such as happiness and prosocial behavior also seem to spread within social groups. For example, if you have a friend who is happy in life, your chances of feeling happy go up by 25 percent. 

It's important we choose our brain trust wisely and actively look for people who make us better. The key is to believe you can get better with the right effort and community behind you. 

Love Losing

Without a doubt, the greatest gift being an actor has given me is having zero fear of losing. And as hokey as it sounds, learning to sidestep failure and continue to push towards your aspirations is essential.

What I discovered in an industry where you’re told “No,” virtually 99 % of the time, is that failure isn’t a testament to your character, self-worth, or an accurate indicator of your talent. It’s just feedback – a way to assess where you’re at and where you need to be.

But the most important takeaway was that failure wasn’t my problem, my reaction to it was. Being told, “No, Maybe next time,” or “We’re going to pass,” used to put me in a tailspin. But the older I got the more I learned to take it in stride and incorporate those setbacks as integral parts of the longer journey.

My First Screenplays Were So Bad...

Some of my early screenplays were so bad my friends didn’t even know where to start with their feedback. My first try at getting a literary agent was met by well over 100 rejections. And my first few films were passed on by so many festivals I lost count.

But by not taking those failures personally and instead interpreting those setbacks as deferred successes, I continued to write blogs, articles, screenplays, one-man shows, and even a book. And as I developed my voice my confidence grew – convincing me I had something valuable to offer.

The best part was how taking initiative emboldened those around me to do the same. Friends saw that if I could do it they could too. Soon I was being asked to read their plays, edit their articles, and collaborate on their new films.

In the process we built a community where we felt invested in one another’s success. We had each other’s backs, supported one another’s vision, and held ourselves accountable to making something happen.

How to Flow Instead of Muscle to Your Goals

Just how do you “flow” rather that “muscle” to your goals? Think of a stream racing through a valley -- it never flattens the boulder in its way. Instead, it moves above, around, or below its obstacle while still reaching its destination. There is still great momentum and effort being expended but in a way that incorporates resistance as an integral part of the journey.

And flowing should be inclusive. Instead of looking at people as problems we can look at them as opportunities to build community. The most fulfilling part of working towards any meaningful project is through the transformational relationships we forge. When we lift each other up rather than leave them behind, attainment of our goals becomes about creating impact instead of self-importance. It becomes less about gaining more but about becoming more.