It's Easy to Criticize but How Are You Contributing?

I once had a friend who could convince me the world was going to pieces just by how he said hello. He always saw the downside of up and wondered why he couldn’t find his path in life. Each time I encouraged him to look at things in a more positive light he’d tell me, “I’m just being realistic.”

Over time, I didn’t like who I was becoming when we spent time together. I started talking badly about people I cared about, criticized just about anything under the sun, and strayed far from my core values in an attempt to placate him. Each time we parted ways I had an emotional deficit I needed to dig out of. Eventually, I had to limit our associations even though I cared about his well-being.

The truth is it’s easy to criticize. Today, you can hide behind an anonymous screen name and bully people bold enough to share their voice with the world. We can hurl insults at those whose belief system challenges our own, not realizing we sever the ties to community and a part of our own spirit in the process.

When you criticize more than you contribute, your credibility begins to erode and you forfeit the value you have to offer the world. What we need more of is compassion, vulnerability, and greater consciousness. As far as I can see, there are three meaningful actions we can take to make sure we lift others up instead of cutting them down.

1. Get involved

A few years after graduating from drama school, a funny thing started to happen. I found myself picking up The Economist instead of the Hollywood Reporter. I was suddenly fascinated by the world beyond the stage and curious how I could affect positive change in my community. I was also frustrated by the lack of unity and integrity I saw in our leadership.

So, instead of complaining I decided to volunteer with a New York City councillor I respected. I was by far the oldest intern she’d ever seen, often mistaken for a staff member. For four months I didn’t get a dime and every morning I received marching orders from someone nearly half my age. But by swapping my pride for an open mind I forged meaningful relationships, informed myself about my city government, and learned to appreciate how difficult a job being an elected official really is. I also realized that affecting change is rooted in action and not rhetoric. The more I knew the less inclined I felt to make stale criticisms and instead focus on the positive impact I could make.

2. Praise others

Before graduate school I spent a year working as a substitute teacher in the San Francisco Bay Area. The days were long and never easy. By the end of the school year I’d worked with kids of all backgrounds, age groups, and grade levels. I could tell instantly which students had never been told how important they were. No matter how long my assignment in a given school I made a conscious effort to tell the kids they were doing good work and that I was proud of them.

Watching how they’d light up from those simple words convinced me that praise, however seemingly inconsequential, can breathe life into a dormant spirit. A kind word or two can put an extra bounce in someone’s step, giving them the courage to put their best foot forward. And with action comes an awakening to one’s potential.

3. Seek a higher consciousness

Years ago, while taking a walk with a close friend, I started to share my frustration with my acting career. I told him I’d had a tough time getting a fair shake at parts I dreamed of playing because of the lack of opportunities for people of color. It wasn’t an issue he could personally identify with in the least, but he listened without any judgment. Instead of criticizing, he sought ways to understand. He taught me if we could all look within before speaking out, the world would change overnight.

Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean it’s wrong. If empathy is the ability to understand another’s feelings, compassion is concern for another’s hardship, even if we’ve never shared the same experience.  

Add a Little Bit of This...

If you find that the way you spend your time lacks challenge, growth, and creativity you may need to reevaluate, or even redefine what is you want for yourself. Your “why” will be your North Star, particularly when challenges present themselves.  

Your reason for doing what you do must be compelling and specific. Once it has been revealed it will prove indispensable. When your “why” and behavior are aligned then you’re really cooking. Add an unyielding work ethic and there is little out of reach. 

Not Easily Discouraged

This morning I met with the owner of a very prominent and well-respected company in my hometown. Her products seemed to line every storefront I passed by and locals sported her apparel with spirited pride.

I showed up at 10:30 am on the dot and was greeted by a gracious employee of hers. I waited in a makeshift boardroom for a few minutes before she entered. She was kind and quietly took the seat opposite me.

Conscious of her time, I cracked open my laptop and read off the questions I'd prepared well in advance. I wanted some advice on how to start my own project and whether or not she thought it had the legs to be a company, or if it was just a passion project. "I'm going to do it either way," I beamed. "But if it's a side project, others priorities will have to come first." She nodded.

She answered each question succinctly and without pulling any punches. "First you have to get clear on what exactly your site does," she said. I agreed. The truth is, I'd given it a great deal of thought, too much in fact, and had lost sight of my original mission: to create community through positive stories.

By the end of our conversation I also appreciated the complicated nuances and vast challenges she faced on a day-to-day basis. Everyone seemed to have an image of her brand, but it was clear there was much more challenges happening behind the scenes. She explained some frustrations about how the city was changing and doubts about the value of her work. I tried to assure her that what she and her company did for the city were both exceptional and important. She smiled.

As I left and listed all the reasons why she thought my new venture might not be suitable for a business, I left far less discouraged than I would have had I not been an actor for many years. Being an actor had taught me the crucial attribute of resilience and taking things in stride. I possessed a versatility in my thinking that most people didn't possess and it was largely due to my background in the arts. I'd also learned to be relentlessly optimistic, but also not delusional - also a very important quality to seek and balance to strike.

As I gathered my belongings and headed for the door she said, "I admire your passion." I smiled. It's the only way I know how to be, I thought.

Protect You Dream

Saturday mornings have seldom, if ever, been a day of idleness in my life. And today was no exception. I left the house just before 8:00 am and headed over to San Francisco, grinning from ear to ear as I crossed a nearly empty Bay Bridge. My friend Julie was hoping to get together so we could catch up after several months apart. She also wanted me to see her son, who somehow, was already two years old.

As the three of us constructed Lego cities and pushed trains along a windy track, we talked about what people tend to talk about: work, family, and the future. Julie was one of the most successful people I knew. She'd attended Ivy League schools, was thriving at her law practice, and married an ideal partner. And now, she also had a beautiful son.

Despite all of that, she confessed to still feeling a certain level of angst and judgement from her parents about what she could be doing better; a confession that completely confounded me. What could they possibly have to gripe about? I thought.

I then began to think about my own life and the many friends I had back in New York and Los Angeles; actors that had experienced the same protests for pursuing unstable and profoundly difficult careers in the arts. Admittedly, I'd felt the same worries from my own folks from time to time. Though they were patient and supportive in many ways, they didn't fully grasp their child's desire to live life on stage, or in front of a camera.

It dawned on me that good parents, friends, and colleagues would always offer feedback, which would sometimes take the form of criticism. As earnest as someone's intentions can be, it's often just a projection of their own failures, or regrets for not chasing their own dreams.

As an artist there are countless challenges you will face, including the inevitable, and sometimes very loud call to conformity. This morning, after realizing that even conventionally successful people experience the same strain, my takeaway was this: be grateful you have people in your life who care enough about you to offer their take then hug your dream even tighter, protecting it at all costs.

You're the only one who needs to understand why you do what you do.