And though it's important to have figures we can look to for guidance it's equally important to understand when we emulate others we relinquish our capacity to define success for ourselves. Too often we get so lost in the thought of being someone else we fail to recognize we may not have the same values.
Often the people who can have the most influence on our lives are right before us. Their names are seldom known beyond their own homes, they aren't flashy, famous, or even successful by most conventional standards.
Still, each person, however seemingly simple is wildly nuanced and capable of moments of profundity whether through words, or actions. They can shape our lives in meaningful ways if we allow ourselves to resist the temptation to look above and beyond but rather right before.
They are our mothers, sisters, grandparents, brothers, fathers, colleagues, coaches, and teammates.
These are a collection of lessons I've learned from some of the most remarkable people in my own life that transform living into a rare type of artistry.
My Actor / Artists Friends: Defining Success on Your Own Terms
My superstars were people like my
friend Jeryl who’d work a double shift then carry her heavy keyboard all the
way from lower Manhattan to the Bronx for a performance that started at
midnight.
Or Maria, who worked all day at a law office but still found time to
perform in a staged reading in a quiet bookstore after work.
These were artists
forced to bend time, babysit, teach, or wait tables just so they could pursue
something they loved.
They inspired me
with their spirit, grit, and passion to find some way, any way, to
sing, write, act, or play. These were the heroes who taught me to push forward
and take the time to recognize victories along the way.
Success to them was
becoming great at something you loved to do. And attainment of
your goal was not the point but rather who you became in its pursuit.
My Parents: Relationships
Many years ago after I’d broken up with a girl I met up with my dad for dinner one evening. He was in New York for business as he often was and asked if we could grab a bite to eat before he left the following day. We always met on Theater Row over on 46th Street. My dad loved the simple, no frills Italian restaurants that lined the street.
As we sat at our table on a slow night I told him my 3-year relationship had just ended. He paused before saying, “You know, as you get older in life, things like intimacy and appearance become less important. What matters is the friendship you have with someone. And your mother has always been my best friend,” he told me.
After nearly 40 years of marriage my parents are still together and happily so. Yet, they have never denied their partnership has required immensely hard work, sacrifice, and overcoming challenges. As far as I can tell see makes their relationship work so well is practice:
— They laugh together. A LOT.
— They still hold hands.
— They listen to one another.
— They agree to disagree.
— They sit in silence with one another
— They go for walks together.
— They give each other space and allow each to do their own thing.
— They travel together.
— They communicate.
— They have perspective.
— They’re honest with themselves and as a result with each other.
— They don’t hide anything.
— They recognize that life is short and there’s not time to waste.
-- They want each other but don't need each other. They're fiercely independent and value their relationships with themselves which ultimately contributes to their union.
Watching them has been a master class not only in how to make a relationship thrive but how to treat another human being. What makes their partnership so unique is at it’s root is a genuine friendship. They’ve each found not only a partner but a best friend.
My Younger Brother: Resilience
The age difference between my youngest brother and I is nearly 14 years. He is the self-proclaimed, “family blessing.” And though the gap in years meant I missed much of his childhood while away at college and grad school, I have a lot of fond memories of his youth of youths.
The other day I phoned him to ask how everything was going. “Hey bro, just got a new surf board!” he told me. Just a few weeks before I came home to visit my family only to find he’d made my father’s office into a makeshift “studio.” My parents were of course out of town.
It’s said that happiness has two peaks. People are filled with the most joy during their 20s and 10 years after retirement. I’m not entirely clear on what the correlation between the two phases of our lives are, but I’m gathering it has to do with a more effortless type of optimism.
I’ve taken away some profound lessons from the “little guy,” who now towers above me. The most important being his enthusiasm and resilience. He beams when discussing the future, a new relationship, a concert, a film he saw, or all the places he hopes to someday see.
And like the rest of us, he’s prone to getting bummed out from time to time, but when he’s down he isn’t there for long. He bounces back with an enviable buoyancy that seems to say, “My time is limited, I’m not going to waste it brooding.”
I wonder how and why we lose that sensibility and whether it’s possible to keep a small piece of that. Maybe it means hanging around younger people. Perhaps it just means cultivating a younger person spirit. Whatever the answer, I've learned it’s important to appreciate we can learn a lot from people who haven’t lived as long, or experienced the same setbacks.
At the very least, they may remind you of how you once embraced possibility and felt unbridled enthusiasm for what mattered most to you.
Bill: On Friendship
Bill
was the first guy I called when I was going through a difficult time several
years back. I didn’t even have to think about it. I must have called him about
500 times and at all hours of the day even though I knew he had his own
problems, that he was also trying to find his
way, and that when I called he was usually tired after a long day of work. But he still picked up every
single call.
He’d
listen to me rehash the same thing over and over. And when he finally spoke he knew
just the right thing to say.
He said, “Nick, I know you’re having a tough time
right now, but in order to know great joy in life we must also know great
pain.” And not long after he said that I started to get back on my feet. To me that's friendship. Someone who refuses to retreat when life gets messy for someone they care about.
Patty: On Kindness
For 7 years each afternoon of my young life started with me
running at full speed to the house at the bottom of the street. I would burst through the door that led to
the kitchen as if to say, "You're welcome." I never once knocked and would always be greeted by Dominic’s mom
Patty. She beamed as I entered with my
spikey mousse filled hair.
“Hi Nicky! How are you?
I think Dom’s in his room,” she'd say.
She grew up one of 10 children in a large Irish American family in
a city roughly half way between San Francisco and Los Angeles called Paso
Robles. She had an eternally youthful
glow, was always smiling, and was the mother of my best friend. By the time she passed away in 2001, she had left
such an indelible mark in my young life that I felt as if I had lost my own mom.
She never raised her voice, she always asked
how I was doing, and she never failed to genuinely listen. She praised her children’s accomplishments
and chose encouragement over condescension for the kids who needed a little
extra help. When my mom was courageously
trying to get her footing in a new country, adjusting to its customs, while
raising two boys with a husband who travelled frequently, Patty was one of the
few who treated her like a sister.
Even
the very last time I saw her as she was dying of cancer she wished me luck at
school and told me she loved me. She
knew in that moment that we would never see each other again.
She taught me grace, gratitude, and love for
others.
She simply lived by connecting her purpose with serving others and was one of the most successful people I'd ever known.
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