Say What You Need to Say Sooner Rather than Later

One evening my dad called me into his study just before I made my way to bed. He asked me to sit down as he carefully went over the talk he’d scripted.

“You know Nick, you and I have a pretty formal relationship. It reminds me of my dad. We became friends but it wasn’t until late in his life. I hope we can do better,” he told me.

I went to sleep that night confident we could. But as the years rolled on the chasm that seemed to engulf any strand of open and honest communication remained. We spoke in sound bites about the weather, the news, and the local sports team. I wondered how I could be so vulnerable and fearless with friends but not with my own father. For many years I harbored enormous guilt and sadness over my inability to be the type of son I thought he deserved.

Strangely, my father and I became closer when for the second time in my relatively young life I moved away from home. His frequent business trips to New York allowed us dinners at his favorite restaurant. Just a few blocks from the pulsating heart of mid-town Manhattan sat a no frills Italian hideaway with the best pre-fixed menu in town.

Huddled around a checkered tablecloth and Caesar salad afforded us no place to hide. I could no longer wolf down dinner and race to my room to finish homework. For the first time in my life I was getting to know my dad. As I got to know the man behind the man I began to gradually appreciate that our inability to communicate was far more nuanced and complicated than I’d originally thought.

Growing up in an Italian-American household in Brooklyn, New York during the 1950s with a father in the military was probably not the most opportune environment for a boy to express his feelings. As a result, he became a man who didn’t either. Add a mom from Korea and a culture that spoke equally seldom about tough subject matters and you have a home with virtually zero communication.

I feel incredibly fortunate to have such wonderful and loving parents but made a promise to myself long ago that when it’s time for me to start my own brood we are going to talk about everything, including what’s not convenient.

Make the effort early on to ask questions and say the things you need to say. There’s no prize for learning things the hard way. You’ll never regret making the effort, forging a stronger bond, and stumbling upon ways to fortify the support system at home.